As you may have realised, I have been fairly absent over the last two months. A lot has happened.
Since my last post I have gone through a breakup, a house move and a surgical intervention. I have realised that the most complicated questions often have the simplest answers and that all great changes are always preceded by chaos.
If you want to get to know me a little better and what motivated me to start this blog… Keep reading!
I made my biggest life change in 2012. Having graduated with an Engineering Degree a few years before, when the economic crisis was on its rise, I had been having issues to find a job that fulfilled me. In Spring 2012 I realised that I wanted to move to the UK and study a Masters, and to later pursue a career as an Electronics or Controls Engineer in the Automotive Industry.
I knew that my decission meant that I had to leave Spain for an indefinite period of time, my beautiful and sunny Homeland, and it also meant leaving my family and friends behind. That was clearly the hardest part.
However, later that year, my bestfriend announced that he was moving to Santa Monica to work as a Software Engineer. And knowing that he was also leaving the nest to move abroad… I guess it made things a little bit easier.
Bits and pieces of the summer of 2012, my last summer in Spain.
I moved to Oxford in September and began studying a Masters in a discipline I was passione about. Going to lectures was thrilling. My classmates were amazing. Even staying late at night doing research or completing courseworks was something I looked forward to. Everything was in its right place.
Until that phonecall. It was March 2013 I was at a pub with some friends when my phone buzzed displaying my brother’s name. “Mom and Dad are getting divorced. It is serious this time“.
Little I knew back then of how massive that phonecall was going to be. In virtually no time I saw from the distance how the bunch of loud and jolly people that my family was, turned into mayhem. It was all lies and remorse and hidden lifes coming to surface. My brother and I ended up caught between a war that wasn’t entirely ours, and also beligerating against each other.
Some people may think that when you are in your mid twenties, something like your parents splitting up shouldn’t affect you that much. Well, in my case, it did. It harmed my family beyond repair.
I felt lost and empty. I felt that my home back in Spain was no longer my home. And I found shelter in a boy I had been dating for a few months, and in my career prospects.
A few months later I managed to finish my Masters with Distinction and to land the job of my dreams. I was desperate to have a place I could call home, so without giving it much thought, I moved with that boy I was seeing to a small village in the Midlands.
My Masters year at a glance
From the very beginning, there was always that something that didn’t feel quite right. But I tried to ignore it. I tried to focus on my amazing job, and on buying soft furnishings and little things that would make our house a home.
2014 was a year of mixed feelings. Things for my family weren’t great, but they had definitely got better. From a professional point of view, I grew so much, I felt so valued and motivated. There wasn’t a single day I woke up without wanting to go to work. But I didn’t have many friends in the UK and my relationship wasn’t working, thought I didn’t dare to word it that way at that point.
Going back to Spain for the Summer holidays meant reuniting with my best friend, who had said goodbye to his Software endevours in the West Coast, to move back and permanently to Spain.
He himself was going through a breakup, and a period of understanding where he wanted to be in life.
On my return to the UK I felt emptier than ever. Mon-Fri 8:30-5 I was happy. But the time after work just felt… Incomplete and unfulfilling.
So I decided to take ownership of my life. I started to make changes. I opened up to people about my relationship issues, I started SassySophia.com, in an intent to enhance to share my hobbies and thoughts with other people, as well as to enhance the sassy and cheerful side of me. I started going to Yoga and devoting time to reading about ways to improve my physical and emotional health.
In December 2014 I came to the conclussion that my relationship was dead and it had been for a long time. I had hidden from the outside world in a house that wasn’t a home and I had tried to convince everybody that I was content with every aspect of my life. What a load of baloney…
I travelled to Spain for the Xmas Holidays with a randomly packed suitcase, that contained no socks and underwear, because I totally forgot. I texted my brother and my bestfriend all the way to the airport, and I got offered a tissue by a completely stranger. When I arrived home, I met my family and my friends and my bestfriend gave me the most meaningful and sincere hug in recorded history. (Gracias!)
Things didn’t go as depressing as I had thought they would be. I actually had the most unexpected and amazing Christmas ever. I felt that through understanding what was wrong in my life, I could connect better with my loved ones, allowing them to get closer to me, without the need to mantain any facade.
I asked myself complicated questions and I got really simple answers. I felt supported and loved, like I had never felt before.
Returning to the UK after Christmas wasn’t easy and moving houses was a bit of a logistic nightmare. But there wasn’t a single moment where I felt as lonely as I had for the past months. I had people with me, friends from Spain, even colleagues from work, giving me a hand.
Whenever I had considered breaking up in the past, I had been terrified about the prospects of moving houses and telling people that I had failed and then seeing the look on their faces. But honestly, it really wasn’t that bad.
After the move, things started to settle, but then a health condition I had recently discovered became aggravated and resulted in me having to understake surgery under general anaesthetics and having to be off work for a while.
So I start 2015 having learned a super valuable lesson: Change, my darlings, is indeed good! Sometimes we keep broken things that what we cannot mend because we have somehow become attached to them. Because we can’t envision a life without them. But we do need to get rid of the things that don’t let us grow before they devour us.
And take my word on this. Moving abroad is tough. So fricking tough. But don’t try to make things easier by rushing to find something or someone to hold on to. It won’t work.